Top : Grandparent Discipline : My mother insists it's her right to discipline my children even when my husband and I are there. I feel she should only discipline them when we've left them in her care. Who’s right?

by Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

Question: My mother insists it's her right to discipline my children even when my husband and I are there. I feel she should only discipline them when we've left them in her care. Who’s right? Answer: You are absolutely correct. Parents, rather than grandparents, should discipline children. When your mother disciplines the children in front of you she is undermining your authority as parents. Start with a direct approach. Tell her she is a good grandmother who worries about her grandchildren, but you want to discipline the children when you are with them and she can be in charge when she is babysitting. If you are in her home, make sure you understand her house rules, and if you bring your children there, you need to be willing to honor her house rules. There may be gray areas like table manners that are not exactly house rules that will involve some negotiation and consideration. If you do not catch the children breaking one of her house rules, but she does, she should signal you about what is bothering her. If she criticizes your methods, listen for anything that is valid but state, "nevertheless" you want to be in charge when you are present. If you are comfortable with it, you can tell her she can give you pointers for your consideration when the children are not present. If she is too intrusive at her house, make as graceful an exit as you can. If she takes over at your house, when she intrudes say something like, "Grandma really likes to help Mommy (or Daddy), but I want you to do that when..." Be consistent. If necessary, cut visits short and tell her you would really like her to think about whether or not she can let you be in charge before she comes over next time. If you are living together, the situation is much more complex. If you are in her house, it might be good to divide areas of the house where her rules have to be followed to a "T" and areas that are yours where things can be a little more lax. Having to live with some of her rules will motivate you to get a place of your own if you are in that circumstance. If she is living with you, she should have a designated area that is hers where she can be in charge. If the kids go in that area they need to understand she will discipline them while they are there and, if I were you, I'd leave the area. If you feel she is being abusive, you might have to ask her to leave your home. Not knowing your circumstances, I hope I've covered all bases.

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