Grandparents Today: Grandparenting community and resources for grandparents, by grandparents

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Hi everyone!

Welcome to Grandparents Today and the Grandparents Today GrandparentsTalk Board. We hope you enjoy meeting and sharing your thoughts, joys and frustrations with other families.

Thanks for being a part of our community, and best wishes as you go through the adventure of grandparenting!

Elisa
Webmother
iParenting
email: elisa@iparenting.com

Elisa
email: elisa@iparenting.com
Monday, January 6, 2003

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We could never afford a Nanny years ago, and so we depended on parents and relatives more......when she has another child, it may change, but it's frustrating that the 30 something parents are so unduly possesive. Although we're all together with e baby, we want to spend time alone with him. What do we do.....mention how we feel? Let time pass?Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Our Daughter is a wonderful , dedicated Mother, and wants us to be close, but is worried about the baby's safety. Help!!!
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Interesting...I have just scrolled through the postings. Some are funny, some are sad, some are informative and some are just outright scarry.
Grandparenting certainly isn't what it was when I was a child in the 40's and 50's. I know that here in my own neighborhood there are many, many grandparents rearing their childrens' children. The complexities of the 'family' structure these days is enough to make anyone trying to put together a family tree, pull their hair out. Marriages,non-marriages, divorces, step-relatives, various fathers, etc. appear to make legal implications almost impossible to untangle. Add to the mix, parents who hop in and out of the childrens lives, and as I have read here, lack of legal advice concerning the grand kids just turns everything into one terriable, heartbraking mess!
It seems to me that grandparents need to organize themselves a little better. This site provides a forum for that from what I have seen. There are several good sites that have helpful information re: legal forms and lawyer referals. Google or search for the legal term you want to know about and you will be pointed in the right direction. We need to be proactive rather than reactive when it comes to taking care of the children. With all of the complexities of the 'new' family we need to know our rights ahead of time rather than wait until we are emotionally bogged down in a custody or visitation issue. You might never need to use the information that you have but at least you will have it.
It's a shame that we have to take this approach but in the long run someone has to know what they are doing when it comes to the children. From the looks of the posts, many of the parents are busy 'doing their own thing' without regard for either the child[ren] nor grandparents. Someone needs to step in and grandparents are 'it'. If we have a strong support base [each other plus a few thousand other grandparents] we could force wishy-washy laws concerning grandparents rights off the books! We could possibly demand that laws regarding grandparent rights be more uniform across the nation.
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As grandparents our son has told us not to discipline their children in their presence. By discipline, I mean even the simple discipline to whisper in her 3 1/2 year old ear that she needs to stay in her seat at the restaurant because the restaurant has rules. The 3 1/5 year old later told her paents that "granddad was mean to me." I've been told to back off. The problem is my whispering works & Mom's repeated pleas across the table were ignored. Do we just sit back & watch? What happens when we have the opportunity to have her by herself at the restaurant & she wants to run around? I don't think she will respect our wishes.
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I am in need of a web-site where I can access a well-written letter of character referrance for a good friend of mine. My friend has been helping her daighetr and son in-law to raise, clothe, feed and house her 4 grandsons for over 4 years. The son in-law refuses to work and is on drugs.

The daughter has recently filed for divorce due to the husbands violence against her and the children. The son in-law has filed counter suit against the grandmother saying that she is medling in their affairs, that she is a drunk and that the boys would be in harms way if custoday were given to the daughter of my friend.

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ABOUT A YEAR AGO MY DAUGHTER GAVE ME TEMPORARY CUSTODY OF MY GRAND-DAUGHTER, SHES GOT A DRUG PROBLEM SHE NEEDS HELP WITH. THE PART I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW COME AFTER ALMOST A YEAR ,THE BIOLOGICAL GRANDMOTHER GETS IN TOUCH WITH ME TO SEE THE BABY SO .ISAY NO PROBLEM SHE COMES TO GET HER AND SHE ASKED IF SHE KEEP THE BABY, I REPLY I DON'T KNOW LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. SO NOW THAT SHE'S SEENTHE BABY,SHE WANTS TO KEEP HER .WHOT SHOUD I DO
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email: JSHROY54@YAHOO.COM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 at 23:31:18 (EST))

Looking for surrogate grandparents in South Bay - Los Angeles:

My hubby and I just moved to Lawndale in
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email: ksnieder@yahoo.com
Tuesday, November 30, 2004 at 18:30:21 (EST))

I'm becoming a first time grandparent next May and I was interested in other nicknames for Grandma and Grandpa. Any suggestions?
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004 at 22:29:27 (EST))

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004 at 22:47:14 (EST))

Hello,

I have just returned home after a long weekend visit with my two and a half year old twin grandsons. They are very active, and also very loving. However they fight with each other, with pushing, biting and scratching. Time outs do not seem to be working, and when Cyrus the smaller of the two twins comes out from his time out he tries to bite and pull his mother's hair, resulting in yet another time out. As soon as he lashes out at either his mother of brother he appears remoresful, but repeats the aggresive behavour, my daughter in law has asked for my advise, and I really don't quite know what the answer is.I have a good relationship with both Cyrus and Nicholas, and am able to communicate with both boys in a positive manner. Help!!!! Any ideas or advise.
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email: englishrose@surfglobal.net
Tuesday, November 02, 2004 at 17:08:42 (EST))

A question for ya, I have a grandaughter who is 4, and in pre-k. She is our first grandchild, and we spoiled her rotten, how do you stop spoiling her w/o hurting her? We now have a grandson who is 4 mo's old, and she is a little jealous of him. She gets upset some when I am holding the baby. How do I handle that w/o her getting upset at me?
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email: Lady2_me@yahoo.com
Saturday, October 23, 2004 at 03:14:10 (EDT))

How do grandparents help their working children who are married with young infants or toddlers? Are there frequent misunderstandings? Are there things that you do that dissapoint your children as you favour their child? Please help reply soon
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email: baby_rabbit216@hotmail.com
Monday, October 18, 2004 at 00:02:45 (EDT))

I am about to become a Grandparent for the first time. I want to be sure to help without interfering and to understand how things are done diffrently than when I was a young mother. Can anyone gove me advice on how to be supportive and helpful. Are there any books or classes (I live in the UK) for Grandparents?

Pam
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Thursday, September 30, 2004 at 05:34:23 (EDT))

I am looking for short stories about New Year's resolutions for the Family Stories department of Family Energy Magazine (www.familyenergy.com). They can be about your child's resolutions, your resolutions, funny, thought-provoking, what you wish for the New Year for your child/child-to-be/grandchild, the world or yourself. So if you have one to share, please send it to me at donna@iparenting.com. Please keep your story between 50 and 400 words. Please include your full name and city/state.
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email: donna@iparenting.com
Wednesday, September 01, 2004 at 02:09:21 (EDT))

WHAT STEPS DO I NEED TO TAKE TO GET MY GRANDCHILDREN PERMANENTLY WITHOUT THE PARENTS APPROVAL THANK YOU.
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email: genitafrommi@webtv.net
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 at 02:26:50 (EDT))

We have adopted our grandson. We live in Florida, can you help find out if there are any college assitance programs in our state for grandparents raising their grandchildren. We will be 64 years old when he graduates.
Sherry
email: gwp_32043@yahoo.com
Monday, July 12, 2004 at 21:18:21 (EDT))

hi im a grandma of one.
my question is that my grandson is too close to me. he what me instead of mom. How can i go about leaving him with her mom without all the crying.
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email: grandma1littleangel@yahoo.com
Saturday, July 10, 2004 at 14:24:54 (EDT))

We are adoptive grandparents of a 17 year old who has moved out of the house. As adoptive grandparents we have total guardianship but also the legal responsibility for whatever the 17 year old does. Now the 17 year old wants to get a license and we are not willing to give our permission at this time because of legal liability. It has been recommended that we give guardianship to someone else. But then we lose all parental rights. Would we be able to grant temporary guardianship to someone and thereby avoid liability for the child if there is an auto accident? Thanks
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email: mlb_soxfan@yahoo.com
Friday, July 09, 2004 at 16:39:45 (EDT))

Hi Everyone,

My 6 year old grandson really wants to go on a cruise. I lookin for input on the Disney Boat from those who have gone. Please share your thoughts - leaving the child in the care of those on the ship for activities and the like. Also if you would I think the cost is a bit much for the kids, what are your thoughts?

I appreciate as much info as I can get.

thanks
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email: RoxMc@juno.com
Friday, July 09, 2004 at 11:57:03 (EDT))

How would I go about wanting to file for adoption of my two grandchildren if they awarded to the state of Arizona?
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email: corinaboggs1966@yahoo.com
Thursday, July 08, 2004 at 01:57:38 (EDT))

What are my rights in Ca. to keep a grandchild needing protection, in a senior mobile park?
Dora Magana
email: doramagana@cox.net
Saturday, July 03, 2004 at 02:53:18 (EDT))

This is such a great site. I've been visiting for some time, a year maybe? but have never taken the itme to post. I'm curious if many of you see your grandchildren every day. It seems more and more of us are almost raising our grandkids, though I'm not complaining!
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Thursday, July 01, 2004 at 13:00:11 (EDT))

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I am really enjoying visiting here.

it will be great if you include a section in finance specifically for grand parents.

thank you again
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Monday, May 31, 2004 at 13:23:55 (EDT))

My grown Daughter and G5 year old GrandDaughter have lived with us for a little over a year. prior to that tey lived with my ex- Husbands Parents for a year.
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email: tomtodaro@cconnect.net
Friday, May 21, 2004 at 20:05:31 (EDT))

Help! I'm going on vacation with my grandchildren. Adorable, but boy do they keep my busy. They're parents will be going to, but I'm looking for activities to keep them busy in the car during a 5 hr drive. Oh, and they're ages 2 and 5. Something fun, yet not too expensive would be good.
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Friday, May 14, 2004 at 11:05:24 (EDT))

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Maty
email: TntLuvx2@aol.com
Wednesday, April 21, 2004 at 17:33:59 (EDT))

Desparate for help for our 3 year old grandson that we are raising who has ADHD. Have tried what we can but lack the funds to get the help we need in our county. Does anyone know of anything that might help us with our grandson.

bette
email: cbapodaca@cox.net
Friday, April 16, 2004 at 22:05:33 (EDT))

==>Start a Grandparents Today Diary!
Track the progress of your special little grandchildren with our online diary feature. Share stories with other grandparents who can relate to your joys and frustrations. Click on the "diaries" link above to get started!

Laurie Dove, iParenting Senior Associate Editor
Thursday, April 15, 2004 at 18:08:12 (EDT))

I am so confused right now. I don't know what to do. It has to do with our oldest daughter. Well i call her mine. Her mom passed away from alchol abuse when she was 11. Me and her dad married when she was 12. She has resented me from the very first day. We are stilled married. But now she is married. And now she refuses to let us be grandparents to our only grandchild. Her husband is whipped. And is not man enough to stand up to her and tell her she is wrong.
What are we to do? I have loved her and treated like one of my own. I have two boys that are mine. When we got married they were 5 and 1.
I am about ready to give up on her.
Can someone please help me.
Sharon
email: sherie24@att.net
Thursday, April 15, 2004 at 10:44:56 (EDT))

I WHAT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO I TAKING CARE OF MY TWIN GRANDAUGHTER SENSE BIRTH SHE WAS A TWIN HE MOTHER HAD EARLY LABOR AND WAS OVER DOSED ON MAGNESIUM SALFATE MOTHER END UP WITH BRAIN DAMAGE WELL GEORGIE DIED AFTER TWO YEARS TAKING CARE HER........I STILL HAVE HER DAUGHTER ALYSSA BOTH WERE ON OXGEN MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE JOINT CUSTODYDAD NEVER COMES AROUND I,M TRIED IT I LOVE MY GRANDAUGHTER AS IF SHE WAS MINE I WHAT TO ADOPT HER IS THERE A GOOD LAWYER IN OKLAHOMA THAT CAN HELP ME AND NOT TAKE US FOR OUR MONEY,,,OUT OF ALMOST TWO YEARS HE TOOK HER 3 TIMES I MADE SIGN WHEN TOOK HER OUT TO ME THIS IS ABANTEDMENT SO PAYS THREW SERVICE CHILD SUROPRT THIS DOSEN,T MAKE HIM DAD THE BABY DOSEN,T EVEN KNOW WHO IS THATS SAD
linda better know as nana
email: foxglovelady77@aol.com
Wednesday, March 31, 2004 at 01:22:18 (EST))

Hi Eileen,
I'm not sure about the laws/rules in IL or GA. Have you had contact with your grandbaby at all?? In most states that do have provisions for grandparents you have to establish that there is a bond between you and the grandchild(ren) in order to get visitation. If you've never seen the child or been able to visit much then you might not have much hope. If this is a recent change-like the child being moved from GA to IL or you moving to GA from IL and you had seen the child regularly you might have a chance.
Have you tried to look up family law/lawyers online in IL?? Go to the Bar Association in IL, they should be able to help you. You might even be able to call the magistrates office there and see if they could give you some names to check out.
Good luck.
Pam Richards
email: ncpcpam@mindspring.com
Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 20:00:53 (EST))

Hi Mary,
It's my understanding that unless the parents are married or the birth father signs a paper acknowledging the child is his, the babies last name is automatically the same as the mothers. I know that's the way it is in NC, my now son-in-law had to sign a paper before they would even put him on the birthcertificate.
About guardianship, there should be someone in social services that can help you with that or you need a lawyer. Do you feel that your daughter is not capable of making decisions where her baby is concerned??
Another question, do you plan on letting the birthfathers family participate in the babies life??
Did you watch the Dr. Phil shows when he was dealing with his first -Dr. Phil Family?? It basically handled just this problem. I don't believe that grandparents got guardianship of the baby, but since they're still guardians of the mom they're kind of guardians of the baby as well, but they have to remember the baby is not theirs and their daughter is the one actually raising him.
Hope you're able to work things out with everyone concerned.

Pam Richards
email: ncpcpam@mindspring.com
Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 19:55:59 (EST))

Hi Maureen,
Well, 9 months is a bit young for Disney World, although there are alot of babies taken there all the time. I took my middle daughter at an early age-honestly can't remember if she was under or over 1yr., but I wasn't able to do anything but watch my husband and older daughter do the rides and things I couldn't take my younger daughter on or into. I know she didn't really have any fun because she didn't know she was supposed to be having fun....LOL...
Now they do have some entertainment they didn't have back then and your grandson might actually be entertained by some of it-if he's not scared by the large characters.
If you really want to take them you can call or go online and see what is available for a child of that age. If there is anything you want to see specifically I would make reservations in advance. If your grandson doesn't mind sleeping in his stroller then you should be able to spend the day there, otherwise you'll want to head back to the hotel/or home for his afternoon nap and maybe go back later. You can get in all day on the same pass-they stamp your hand.
Have fun, wish I was going with you....
Pam Richards
email: ncpcpam@mindspring.com
Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 19:37:04 (EST))

Hi GrannyGail,
I totally agree with you. Your brother should not have touched your grandchild, in fact he shouldn't have been yelling at the baby regardless. I would have called him on that alone and if he hadn't stopped I probably would have packed everyone up and gone home.
He should definitely apologize, but it doesn't sound like he's going to. So as to keep peace in the family, for now, I'd probably consider going to other family get-togethers where he might be present but watch him closely. If he's drinking it would probably be best to leave, especially if he becomes abusive to your grandchild(ren) again. Also, you might let him know that even though the incident happen in his home, it would have been the parents right to call the police and charge him with battery. They did not give their permission for their child to be spanked and the problem had already been handled.
Hope you're able to work out this family problem-what does the rest of the family think? I know you said his wife feels he was wrong, what about everyone else??
Take care.
Pam Ricahrds
email: ncpcpam@mindspring.com
Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 19:29:27 (EST))

Hi Donna,
Question, wouldn't you take it as a personal attack also-actually it seems you are if your parents think you're being a bit paranoid. All parents are paranoid about leaving their kids with someone else - comes with the territory; but you should be able to feel a bit comfortable with leaving your child with YOUR parents.
I have two of my grandkids living in my home-their parents are here also, but we don't take extreme measures to childproof the house. A lot of people think if you childproof the house then kids don't learn to handle things with care or to be careful about what they do and where they do it indoors/outdoors.
Give your parents a chance. At least go to their house with your toddler and visit there rather than insisting they come to your house all the time. Once you see that your child is comfortable with grandma and grandpa in their home, maybe you'll be able to get some things done yourself.
Take care.
Pam Richards
email: ncpcpam@mindspring.com
Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 19:22:04 (EST))

for Nancy Roberts-Nancy I used to live in FL, in fact I'm a native and I know how stupid that state can be where kids are concerned-they always go overboard, one way or the other.
Anyway, you should be able to take the mom to court for visitation is you're not getting to see the kids-mainly because you will be able to show that you have been in the lives all along and you have a bond with them. Surely there must some lawyer down there not afraid to try???? Good luck and let us know what happens.

Pam Richards
email: ncpcpam@mindspring.com
Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 19:11:04 (EST))

My son's father hardly ever makes time on his own to visit his son. I have grown tired of calling him every other weekend to remind him to spend time with his son. I feel that it is not my responsiblity to keep thier bond strong and that it is his responsiblity and his alone. When my son asks about his father, I help him call his father so he can talk to him. I feel that it is the best thing that I can do for that situation. I would never keep him from spending time with his father or vica versa. My husband says that I am being selfish and not thinking of my son by my decission to not call and remind his father to come and hang out with him continously. I don't feel that my son should be a burden to anybody and if his dad doesn't want to make the effort himself to make time with him without being reminded then I would rather have my son at home where he is loved. Is that so wrong? Is that selfish? Please, I would love to hear your opinions. Thank You! Khanista
Khanista
email: cankhan@houston.rr.com
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 at 02:40:16 (EST))

Can anyone help me find a family law lawyer in Illinois to help me see my grandbaby. I live in Georgia. please help
Eileen Dover
Friday, March 19, 2004 at 10:15:59 (EST))

My 15 yr old daughter is pregnant . we're argueing over the last name for the baby she wants to give the fathers last nane (who is also 15 ) and I think the baby should have her last name we live in Pennsylvania. Another thing if anyone knows this how do I get legal guardianship of my grand child once it is born. Any advise is welcome...Thank you
mary
email: jinxy106@hotmail.com
Friday, February 27, 2004 at 09:46:46 (EST))

Donna,
Your parents raised you and evidently they did a fine job. You are being paranoid. Your parents would never let anything happen to your baby. Take the baby to them. They are the best babysitters you could ever have.

Beverly
email: grammyk2001@yahoo.com
Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 23:46:40 (EST))

I am a nana of two 9 & 11 I have had custody for 4 years. We need to go back to court to stop visiation and can not afford it as we have spent our life savings getting custody. Any ideas?
jean
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 at 14:23:03 (EST))

Please, if there is someone in Pgh.,PA who had full custody of their grandchild and CYS come in and tooked him at the request of the biological mother, they have all the rights even if they did not raise the child yrs later. He is in "The System" now, & they are trying to terminate my rights. Please, anyone, Please Hear the Crys of this Child.
Sheila Demshar
email: lawson8902@comcast.net
Saturday, February 07, 2004 at 17:33:43 (EST))

loved your website. will visit again soon.

lena
email: lena67@lycos.de
Monday, February 02, 2004 at 04:58:45 (EST))

Nice website. Very helpful.

alexandra
email: alexandra65@lycos.de
Monday, February 02, 2004 at 04:57:44 (EST))

I will be back.

verena
email: verena301@gmx.de
Monday, February 02, 2004 at 04:56:36 (EST))

I am taking my 9 month old grandson (with my daughter) to Disneyworld in a few months. Have you ANY and all suggestions as what to expect of him? Can we make reservations anywhere for entertainment at WDW or just "wing it" and see how tired and cranky he may become? Thanks
maureen mullin
email: mosie1234m@aol.com
Sunday, February 01, 2004 at 12:21:20 (EST))

Hi I am the Grandmother (Nanna) they call me of 2 beautiful little boys. One, 11/2 yr and the other 4 yrs.
They live in front of me and always have. I see them every day and play a very active role in their lives. We had custody of the 4 yr old for a year or so. The parents, my son and daughter in law (like a daughter now) are great. We all get along great, with the normal ups and downs.
My question is, Christmas day we were invited to my brothers house for dinner. All of us. While there my brother was terrible cranky. I noticed him continuely yelling at the 11/2 yr old. The baby was never doing anything but my brother always make it seem like a big thing. After eating, everyone was outside except my son, daughter in law, the 11/2 yr old and myself. we started playing with the 11/2 yr old while he was drinking something. the baby spit the drink in the floor. I got it up but my brother went over to him and spanked him. It was a surprise and a shock. (we do not spank the kids at all, but have time outs for them instead) well when he did this, I went off on him, yelling at him to never put his hands on him again. He responsed with I will spank him any time I feel he needs it. Well there were words spoken and I assured him that it had in no way better ever happen again. Later I found out that he had been drinking earlier that day alot. My sister in law, his wife agreed with us that he was wrong. Still he feels he was right. He has never apoligished to the parents or the baby. Instead he told his wife that he would do it again. Well I am highly upset about this. We still talk but not like before. Was I wrong fro saying anything? My son and daughter in law said that I was right and that they wanted to so bad but did not want to seem to be starting anything. But that they would not take the children back to his house again unless he says he is sorry and that it won't happen again. Tell me if I was wrong on this?
Thanks, Granny Gail
Gail
email: Grannygail22@cs.com
Wednesday, January 28, 2004 at 21:44:28 (EST))

I am a 34 yr old parent of a 6 month old and a 3 yr old. My parents live 5 minutes away. I am a stay JRun Server Name: nutch1 pageload time: 16ms