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We live in a nation in which child abuse and neglect have reached epidemic proportions. Over 2 million children a year are abused or neglected and 2,000 children a year die due to such abuse.

Since becoming involved with the Court Appointed Juvenile Advocate (CAJA) program, an affiliate of the National Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) Association, I have been made aware that children, who are victims of this despicable statistic, often become dependent on a legal system that is, at best, cumbersome and moves at a snail-like pace while the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health of each child is affected for life. Multiple placements in foster care for such children are common. During my stint as a Hospice volunteer in Colorado, I learned of the "stages of grief" as they related to death and dying. I was also made aware that these same symptoms prevail in any loss--regardless of type, time or perceived tenuousness. However, it was many years later, through a painful personal family disaster, I realized the effect loss has on children in troubled homes and the scars it leaves on the souls of abused, neglected or displaced children.
Having no children of my own, I, like many used to speak in a hushed, protecting tone of voice around children in a family who had someone dying, in the case of Hospice care, or who were members of a family experiencing another kind of crises when I was there to counsel or to lend support. The perception is that children don't understand such things. We avoid upsetting them by skirting the issue, whispering, ignoring their questions or giving evasive answers to minimize the seriousness of the moment. Sometimes adults are so caught up in just surviving, a child's voice is lost in the den of circumstance. Perhaps we feel so inadequate to reassure and communicate when we, ourselves, don't understand all that is happening--we can't control our own world and we somehow feel better if we can control and protect the world of our children at least for a little while. Consequently, they sit alone, they think alone, they fear alone, they cry alone, and they face loss alone.

Regardless of the health or dysfunction of a child's family, innocence makes no room for loss. Loss first encountered changes a life forever whether the experience is the death of a pet, the loss of a friend or family member, or the critical loss of a sense of well being that plunges a tender soul into a tornado of chaos. At such times, it is absolutely imperative that a child be embraced, talked to, and included--not ignored. Regardless of our good intentions and right motives, avoidance is communication and it exacerbates fear. Reassurance desperately needs to be communicated to every child in an age-appropriate manner.

The experience of loss does not become the defining moment in our lives--it's how we respond to the loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction and the impact of our lives.

Any separation has a negative effect on a child even if the separation is in the best interest of the child. In the event of the removal of a child from a primary attachment figure, it can be expected to take two years for the child to be able to reach a place of resolution. Because of the effect of loss and grief, children cannot emotionally survive separation followed by multiple placements.

Loss after loss causes the ultimate loss of hope. Those who become hopeless become helpless and directionless. Loss causes mistrust of authority figures and negatively impacts self-esteem. The child comes to believe he is "nobody's child."

For children, grief caused by loss is composed of a million moments of broken connections. Even infants and toddlers react to loss. The grief process and symptoms will vary from child to child depending on the age and temperament of each child. However, to not recognize or discuss their loss does not take away their pain; it only increases their sense of isolation and abandonment. As adults, we need to understand their concerns, their fantasies and their fears as real--they are!

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