Bring It On: Love, Marriage,
and Sex
 My
wife is constantly flirting with men. I know she's harmless with
her comments, but lately I'm beginning to have my doubts. How
can I let her know she's hurting my feelings? I want her to stop,
but I don't want to appear insecure in our marriage?
 Pat
Robertson
I think you had better tell her, 'Look, dear, do you have
any idea what this is doing to me?' The reason that women flirt
is that it builds their self-esteem. It is an ego thing. I am
attractive to men and I can put some moves on and these guys really
go for me. It starts out harmless, but there will be some men
who will think it is more than a casual flirtation. They are going
to start hitting hard. Next thing you know, Mrs. Flirty wife will
find herself mixed up in an affair.
You need to tell her. Husbands and wives have got to be frank.
You have got to say, 'Listen, I understand what you are doing,
and I understand that what you need is self-affirmation. I love
you. I will affirm you all you need, but what you are doing hurts
me, because I committed my life to you with vows and you've committed
your life to me. You don't belong to all of the men you happen
to see along the way. You belong to me, and I belong to you. We
are committed each other. You need to go over what it is that
you have done.' Forsaking all others is what at least some of
the vows say.
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I
occasionally work late with my coworker. We both are happily married.
As we left together late one night, he walked me to my car. As
I opened my door, he leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. He
walked away as if nothing happened. Should I tell my husband?
Pat
Robertson
You don't want the husband storming into the office and physically
assaulting the guy and getting arrested. It wasn't your fault.
You didn't do anything. It was unexpected. This guy is trying
to see what he can get away with. You don't need some philanderer
hitting on you. This is a classic example of sexual harassment.
It shouldn't happen.
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Pat,
my husband has not told me that he loves me in months. When I
ask him about it, he says people that need to hear "I love you"
must be insecure about their marriages. Now I find I don't say
much anymore either because I am tired of having my feelings hurt.
How many times should we say and hear "I love you"?
Pat
Robertson
There are a lot of ways that you can say 'I love you.' look
at his nonverbal communication. What does he do for you? Does
he bring you presents? Does he take you out? Does he hug you?
Does he wash the dishes or do something that shows affection?
Or does he totally ignore you? It is a question of a lot of activities
besides just coming out and saying, 'I love you, dear. I love
you, dear. I love you, dear.'
Nevertheless, all of us need to understand that those words are
very important. Unfortunately, that term has gotten to be cheapened.
You hear 'love you, love you, love you, love you,' and it doesn't
mean anything. If it is said, it should mean something. It has
great meaning.
I think couples should understand the emotional needs of each
other. That is one of the big things about marriage is communication.
So many people don't try to understand the needs of the other
party. What does the wife need? What does the husband need? What
are they doing? What is surrounding them that would cause them
to feel the way they do? Put yourself in the other person's place.
Maybe marriage counseling wouldn't hurt. But before you call
in the cops, why don't you just make a list of the nice things
that he does, and at the same time do the same thing. You don't
have to be verbal, but start doing some things and surround him
with love. Don't be 'my feelings are hurt' kind of thing. Keep
on giving and loving and see what happens. You can elicit responses
from people if you give the right moment. You are showing it,
and I think it will work out. If not, get marriage counseling.
It doesn't sound like it is terribly serious, but do what you
can.
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How
can I get my husband to talk to me? He comes home and never says
a word. He won't even discuss the Lord with me. I am so afraid
that we are drifting apart.
Pat
Robertson
You know, the greatest problem in marriage is communication.
We talk about sex and money, but it is just talking. Men, women
like to have somebody talk to them. Think of them in their home,
especially with young children. They have got these little kids
all day long, or they are out working hard, too. They want some
companionship, somebody who will share their joys and their griefs
and talk. A lot of guys just come home, ask where dinner is, eat,
sit down and watch television, do whatever they do, and go to
bed. That is not a marriage.
I don't know what you could do except get a marriage counselor
to help with it. If they won't talk, one thing you can do to get
their attention is to say, 'If you don't talk to me, I am out
of here!' That might wake them up. It is a very difficult thing,
but communication in marriage is the most important attribute.
You have to talk, and you have to let people talk, especially
when you are raising children. Children want to be listened to.
That means you have to take time to listen, because it takes them
a while to get out what they want to say. They need to know that
you are sitting there patiently--not impatiently--and you want
to hear what they have to say.
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I
have been looking for single women in nightclubs because there
are so few in my church. Do you have advice on how I can meet
Christian women?
Pat
Robertson
Go to another church. What do you want to do? You go to a
singles bar to pick up ladies who are looking for one-night stands.
That isn't exactly where you are going to find the godly types.
You might. You might stumble across one in some singles bar. It
is possible they are lonely and are looking for somebody, but
there are churches that are absolutely loaded with young people.
There are churches that have classes for young adults. There are
churches that have classes for singles. And they are big, thriving
churches. You say you are in a church where there aren't any particularly
young people. It sounds like you have got an older congregation.
I wasn't being facetious. Go to another church, if that's what
your need is, where you will find Christian women.
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I
stayed loyal to my wife even though she fought alcoholism and
emotional problems. She is now living with another man while our
divorce is pending. Our children would like for us to try one
more time. Do you think my thirty years of loyalty were enough,
and should I move on?
Pat
Robertson
You ought to get a medal: America's Husband of the
Year. It is your call on a thing like this. You read in the book
of Hosea about somebody who was told to go marry a woman given
to harlotry. She went into prostitution and her husband bought
her back again. It was a story of God's faithfulness to the people
of Israel. That was the symbolism.
There is something seriously wrong with this woman. She has an
addictive personality. She needs professional help very badly.
She needs to get set free from these things. There might be some
demonic involvement, but certainly she has a warped personality.
What do you want to do? I think that you are free to leave if
you wish. You have done everything you have to do. Gomer [in the
book of Hosea] was out with all of these men, and her husband
went and brought her home. That was God's love.
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My
husband is in an adulterous relationship. I have forgiven him,
but he says although he loves me, that 20 percent of his affection
is still with this other woman. He doesn't want to divorce me,
but wants to include our 8-year-old child in his relationship
with this other woman and her kids. My husband is not saved and
not open to the Word. What can I do?
Pat
Robertson
Adultery is flaunted openly. I have heard of people who have
brought their girlfriends on a family vacation. It is one of those
things that you have to tell him, 'Look, I love you, but I am
not going to stand for it. I will not permit this to happen and
corrode my life and the life of my child. Either you give up this
other relationship, or we are going to be separated. I will file
for divorce. 'I just don't think there is any other way. God can
do a miracle and you should be open to the miracle. 'I love you.
I will welcome you back. I hope our marriage resumes. I want us
to stay together as a family. But I can't have this. I don't think
any woman should have to submit herself to this kind of indignity.
I know in history, certainly in the continent, England, and other
places, this seemed to be more common than we would like to think.
I guess as well in South America and Spain. They have girlfriends.
The wife and children are one part of their life; the girlfriends
are another. But I don't think in a Christian situation that should
be.
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My
Christian husband insists on traveling out of state, against my
wishes, to attend a bachelor party with non-Christians in Las
Vegas. He says there will be no pornography or sinful activity
there. I still think he shouldn't go. Who is right?
Pat
Robertson
The bachelor parties are normally orgies. They have strippers
and lap dancers. A lot of people get drunk and there are dirty
jokes. The answer is that there is just no way that someone is
having a bachelor party in Las Vegas. If he is really all that
holy and righteous, let him do it someplace else. But these bachelor
parties are usually bacchanal revels. I don't know if you can
keep your husband from doing it, but you can certainly protest
strongly. He says there is going to be no pornography. He's living
in a fantasy world. Maybe you have got a friend who is a little
bit more worldy-wise who could say to him, 'Look. Here is what
you are going into. You are supposed to be a Christian. You shouldn't
have anything to do with this.' Wives can't exercise but so much
authority over their husband.
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Pat,
you and Dede obviously have had a successful marriage. What, in
your opinion, are the keys to keeping a marriage loving and lasting?
Pat
Robertson
The first thing is having a sympathetic and understanding
husband. The second thing is to keep communication open. Seriously,
you have to be frank and honest and talk to each other, and you
have to love each other. You have to let annoyances roll off your
back. You can't make a big deal of it. You have to realize that
the two of you are in it together. You are to build a foundation
between the two of you. You build it in love and understanding,
but at the same time, you work at it. Husbands need to be nice
to their wives. They need to try to bless them, and they need
to try to be understanding. I think it is important to understand
women. That is not an easy job!
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I
feel led by the Lord to help infertile couples and have recently
finished a successful surrogacy. I would like to do more. This
seems to be causing a great deal of controversy and other people
are saying my actions are an act of adultery. Since I did not
engage in sexual activity, is being a surrogate adultery?
Pat
Robertson
Surrogate is the idea that you implant an embryo. There isn't
anything wrong with that. Look back at Abraham and Sarah. Sarah
says, 'I can't have a child. I am infertile. Take my maidservant
and you have a child by her.' That apparently was OK. In our way
of looking at things, that would have been adultery. In terms
of having an embryo implanted where you take a child to term,
this must be very, very hard on a person emotionally to feel that
child within them and feel all of the quickening of life, to give
birth, and then give the child away. That's what I think you are
talking about. That is a sacrifice. To say it is a sin would be
terrible. There is certainly nothing sinful about it.
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My
Christian husband continues to smoke marijuana, stay out late,
and use bad language. His interest in God is minimal. He said
for me to leave if I didn't like it. We have three teenagers to
worry about the examples set for them. Should I leave?
Pat
Robertson
I question about that 'Christian' husband. I don't think
he is a Christian. I don't think he knows what it is like. If
you know Jesus, you will live for Jesus, you will take on the
characteristics of Jesus -- you will be teachable and humble and
you will be filled with love and you will want to live a holy,
godly life. Anyone who is as arrogant as this man, I don't think
he has the Lord. I don't know where Christian comes from. He belonged
to a church someplace, which doesn't mean a lot to me. I think
that's what it amounts to.
Now, this is an unbelieving spouse. Is he making it tough for
you to live? I don't know what your financial situation is. You
have three kids to take care of. What do the children want to
do? Do they want to stay with their daddy and watch him smoke
pot and use bad language, or do they want to go with you? How
will you support yourself after it is all over? These are practical
questions about what you should do. Recognize the consequences
of something like this.
More than anything, you should pray for your husband's salvation.
More than anything, you should pray for reconciliation, where
there will be peace in your home and for God to do a miracle.
God is always -- and I say this every time -- God is always on
the side of restoration, not of breaking things up. He's always
on the side of restoration, so if at all possible, that is what
should happen, and perhaps you should give it a try.
If he keeps this up, you can't have your children exposed to
marijuana and coarse language. It is being imprinted on their
impressionable minds. If you have teenagers who want to leave
daddy and go off with mommy someplace and maybe live in reduced
circumstances, you had better do a reality check across the board
before you jump.
As far as the Scripture goes, I think your husband is making
it impossible for you to stay with him. I think he is making it
so difficult that he is essentially throwing you out of the house.
From a scriptural standpoint, you have a 'right to get out.' But
again, think of the consequences.
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You
said that men need sex to keep their marriage together. I'm a
wife who has been ill with a female problem that causes pain and
discomfort during intercourse. I want my marriage to stay together.
If what you said is true, what should I do to keep my marriage
alive sexually?
Pat
Robertson
I think it would be appropriate to visit a gynecologist and see
if you can't get whatever is necessary to deal with your problem.
I think a healthy marriage involves a healthy sexual relationship
between man and woman. The Bible says they will become one flesh.
I think there is a joining together of mind and a joining together
of spirit and a joining together of body. I think the body is
the one we emphasize the most, and that should really be the least
important. I think a marriage can survive without sexual activity,
but I think if it is possible for you to facilitate, I think you
ought to go to a competent gynecologist or somebody who is familiar
with hormonal treatments and see what can be done.
Terry Meeuwsen
There are many conditions that can happen to either husband
or wife that would make sexual relations impossible.
Pat Robertson
Prostate cancer and operations thereof render men impotent.
It is a terrible thing. However, your marriage goes on, and you
can still have love and all kinds of affection. The most important
joining together is spiritual. You can always pray together, and
that is as important as anything.
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My
Christian husband is infatuated with (addicted to?) computer pornography.
He says it is harmless and educational, but I say it is ruining
our sexual intimacy. Who is right and why?
Pat
Robertson
The most powerful human instrument of sexual desire is the
mind, not the genitals. To the man addicted to hard-core pornography,
real physical sex with a real woman pales beside the mental eroticism
found on the Internet. Your husband is comparing you, his wife,
to the women he sees on the Internet. These women, like the men
and women who appear in pornographic magazines or movies, are
carefully chosen for their seductive bodies and glamorous faces.
You are being pitted against synthetic beauty, plastic surgery,
and trick photography. The women used in pornography commit unspeakable
acts, not because they like to do so, but because they are pawns
of some of the most evil human beings on the planet. The utter
depravity being shown on the Internet is beyond belief, so don't
be deceived. There is absolutely nothing educational about computer
porn. That is nonsense. Your husband is kidding himself, and he
needs to be set free from his addiction to pornography.
Several years ago, a survey in Fortune magazine estimated that
approximately 6 percent of the executives in America are sex addicts.
Ironically; the survey indicated that a high percentage of these
addicts worked as investment bankers and watched pornography while
on the job! This is a costly problem in many American corporations
since so many workers are surfing the Net, obsessed with obscene
materials, engaging in illicit chat-room "conversations,"
or passing along smutty jokes, instead of concentrating on doing
their jobs. Besides the proliferation of filth and perversion,
the price tag in dollars and cents for lost work hours is astronomical.
You must help your husband get some Christian counseling immediately.
He needs to be delivered from the spirit of lust, which underlies
his obsession with pornography, and you need to insist on it.
His addiction is destroying the sexual intimacy of your marriage
and will ultimately ruin your marriage completely: This is a serious
situation. Our counselors report incidents of husbands who prefer
pornography to their wives. The wives say, "It is either
the porn or me," and the men choose the porn. They would
rather have the fantasy world of cybersex than a real relationship.
What a travesty of the sexual intimacy God intends married couples
to enjoy!
Your husband is committing mental adultery. If he won't repent
and seek professional help, you should realize that your marriage
is over.
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