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Can adoption be an act of faith after the greatest loss imaginable?

After her daughter Hannah died suddenly and inexplicably just shy of her second birthday in 1998, Lele Ashworth would sit in the child's room and "just weep." Cindy Vatalaro and her husband Michael after losing their six-year-old boy, who had been chronically ill most of his life, "rattled around" for three years, grasping every opportunity to escape their empty house. And Evelyne McNamara, whose Maggie, age four, died of a brain tumor in 1993, recalls, "I couldn't hold someone else's child. It was hard to believe my life could be a good place to be."

The Greatest Loss of All

Suddenly to be without a child in the house was "surreal," Lele says, especially with so many reminders of Hannah around. "She sat in that high chair. She drank from that sippy cup." These families remember the loved ones who gathered around them, as well as the spiritual guidance and psychological counseling that helped them survive the most terrible time in their lives. Yet even in the midst of the "craziness, grief, and pain," they began to find a way out of their despair. As Tom Mauser, whose son Daniel was killed at Columbine High School in 1999, says, "You can't stay in that state of devastation." The Mausers set up a scholarship fund and web site to honor Daniel, and Tom became a spokesperson for gun control. And a month after Daniel's death, Tom and his wife Linda, herself adopted, began to discuss adoption. They would ultimately adopt their daughter Madeline in China.

Saving the Family

John Bonafide, another bereaved father, says the very night in 1997 his beloved nine-year-old son Justin died of sudden cardiac arrest, he knew "instinctively" that the only way to save his family was "to have another child in the house." John and his wife Anna Marie had an older son, Jason, then 12, for whose sake they kept going. But beyond that, they asked themselves, "Would it just be a future in which we constantly grieved for our child and brother, never moving forward, always looking back? Or did we want to leave a legacy to Justin, the little boy who loved every minute of his life?" The Bonafides first discussed trying to conceive a child, but were worried about possible risks because of their age and difficulties during Anna Marie's pregnancy with Justin. And they did not know definitely what had caused Justin's death. What if another child inherited the condition?

Cindy and Michael Vatalaro had the same concerns. Although still in their twenties, they rejected the idea of a biological child because of uncertainty as to why their little boy, also named Michael, had suffered continual seizures. Cindy Vatalaro needed a guarantee, she told the genetic counselor that she "would not lose another child." Adoption was not an option the Vatalaros considered-until the day Cindy drove Michael to the airport for a business trip. Waiting for his plane, they noticed a commotion at a nearby gate-an ebullient crowd waiting for a flight from Korea. Suddenly, people carrying babies streamed through the door and began handing the infants to delighted families. "Finally it dawned on me what was happening," Cindy remembers. "It was so exciting. Tears were streaming down my face."

A Difficult Decision

But the decision to adopt a child was not an easy one. "I knew we needed children in our lives," Cindy says, but I also felt "I shouldn't be happy again." She was in turmoil, asking herself, "Could I love that much again? Did I even want to?" And she was worried "that people would think I was trying to replace Michael, even though you can never replace a child." When Cindy got her daughter, Kayla, all her doubts were resolved. Jim and Nanette Moore, who had lost two babies as infants, were prodded into considering adoption by Griffin, their surviving two-and-a-half-year-old son, who asked, "When is our new baby going to come?"

Once the Bonafides decided to pursue adoption, they quickly settled on the idea of doing so internationally because it appeared to be the fastest way to get a baby. Warren Reier, father of Irene, who died suddenly and without a known cause at 15 months of age, felt the same way: "The extra months seemed intolerable." Evelyne McNamara saw a story in a magazine about adoption from China. "I was in shock. There were tons and tons of kids available." By the time she broached the subject with her husband Bob, she was so sure this was what they should do that he immediately agreed. Evelyne claims she "set the speed record for assembling a dossier."

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