My Tips and Advice: Divorce |
| 1. The emotional roller coaster of divorce |
| When a couple separates it is common to feel depressed. Get into counseling, individual or group so that you will know you are not alone. |
|
| 2. When your spouse leaves |
| When your spouse leaves, it is painful. Often the person who is left feels as though their life has been destroyed. They can not understand why this has happened, why they have stopped loving them. You may feel helpless, lost and desperately want them to return. The reality often is that the marriage has not worked for a long time. All the signs were there but you could not cope with the thought of breaking up the family. You may feel betrayed. You are starting the mourning period. It is similar to losing someone to a heart attack, it seems quick and without warning. You knew something was wrong but you thought it would go away as it has so many other times, but this time they are not coming home. Often the spouse who leaves will be cold and distant, they need to be because this is something they have been working towards for a long time. Turn to your friends or a support group for comfort. Those who are left and those who leave can not share this time, and it will only hurt you further if you seek comfort or understanding from the person who left. |
|
| 3. Male Mentors |
| If your son must grow up without his father, expose him to some positive male role models, such as grandfathers, uncles, and family friends. Have your son understand that he is fortunate to have so many loving men in his life and he is special to all of them. Encourage him to get involved in sporting leagues, scouting, or youth organizations at church for boys, which can provide positive male role models. Help him to find a positive male that can serve as a mentor for him. |
|
| 4. Don´t Spoil Your Children |
| Don´t give in to your child´s every whim. Single parents oftentimes are guilty of giving that extra toy or candy bar as a means of trying to replace the love of a missing parent. Unfortunately the end result is spoiling their kids in the process. This leads to needless time consuming battles over control. (If you loved me, you would buy this for me, OR buy this and I won’t throw a fit here in the store!) You can’t equate love with material things, so don’t confuse your children by putting them on the same level. You are their parent, you love them dearly, and love them enough to say no. End of discussion. |
|
| 5. Talking to your children |
| Often non-custodial parents are not able to have frequent communication with their children. The Internet has become a great tool to stay in touch. Send your children e-mails and e-mail cards as well as aid them with their homework. |
|
| 6. The death of a marriage |
| When you are going through a divorce it is the death of a marriage. There is a grieving process. If you are the person who left, then the grieving process has been completed. You have gone through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. If you are the person who has been left, it has just begun. Allow yourself to experience the process and all the stages. You will find that often a therapist or counselor is better at assisting you than a friend. A death is a death and it takes time to heal, but the important issue is that you will heal. |
|
| 7. School and Joint Physical Custody |
| School-age children present a whole new side of the joint physical custody issue. The only way this can work effectively for a child who spends 50/50 time in each household is for the parents to live within a short distance of each other so the child can attend the same school with the same friends. Otherwise, there are problems in getting the child to school on schedule, or problems with living in a neighborhood with kids that attend another school, which tends to make a child feel like an outsider. The less disruption to a child’s life, the better off the child will be. When a child reaches school age, it might be best for one parent to have custody during the week, and the other on weekends, especially if there is considerable distance between the two households. The extra time missed by the weekend parent can be made up during the summer or school breaks. The important thing is to sit down, talk about it, and try to work out a schedule that will be in the best interest of the child. |
|
| 8. Create a Stable Nurturing Home |
| Tip from Shellee Darnell in article entitled Single Parents Raise Good Kids Too! Nurturing is a high priority, but children also crave stability and security. While this is important for all children, it is especially crucial for children who have suffered a loss of stability due to divorce or death of a parent. Children need to feel secure and protected, and it is our job as parents to create a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Your children need to hear how much you love them and how proud you are. Some children may require more affection and attention than others, so know your child, and take your cue from him/her.” |
|
| 9. Joint Physical Custody vs. Joint Legal Custody |
| Joint physical custody is where the child spends part of each week with each parent, continually shuttling back forth between two households. Joint legal custody allows both parents to make decisions affecting a child’s life, but the child physically lives with one parent, and visits with the other. |
|
| 10. Stop the fighting |
| To begin to feel emotionally secure and in charge means to end the fighting. Most people fight over the assets only to end up losing them to attorney´s fees. If you are engaged in battle, ask yourself how what you are fighting for balances with your emotional well being. You can not start a new life until you end the old one. |
|
| 11. Working with your acting out child |
| If your child begins to act out during or after the divorce, do not assume that it is the other parent´s fault. Ask your child why they are unhappy and do it in a manner that does not give them the answer you want to hear. For example, do not say, "Are you doing badly in school because you do not like to visit dad?" Instead say, "Why do you feel you have not been doing well in school? Let´s see what we can do to improve your school work." This leaves dad or mom out and allows the child to state what he or she really feels. Children wish to please adults and often they will answer what they think you want to hear, not what they are feeling. |
|
| 12. Give Yourself Time to Heal |
| Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of your marriage partner. It is a death of a relationship and should be treated as such. Do not jump out there and make rash decisions or rush into another relationship until you have had time to heal. Move on and forward, just don’t move too quickly. Rid yourself of the emotions of one relationship before you go looking for another one. |
|
| 13. Helping Kids Deal with Divorce |
| Children have a natural tendency to blame themselves when their parents get a divorce. Reassure your child that the problem is between you and the other parent, not with them. They have done nothing wrong and are not to blame. Just because one parent will no longer be in the home doesn´t mean you are no longer a family. Assure them of your love and that you are not going to leave too, which is another fear the child may experience. Provide as much love and stability and reassurance as you can. Listen to your child and deal lovingly with any concerns they may have regarding how this will affect their future. |
|
| 14. Give Your Children Time to Heal |
| Your children will also go through a period of grieving as part of the divorce process. Your child no longer has two parents in the home, but one. In some ways divorce is harder for a child to deal with than the death of a parent. Help your children see the benefits from the new situation (more peace and less conflict, opportunities to make new friends, new quality time with the other parent that may not have been present before, etc.) Time does heal all wounds, so give your kids time to heal. |
|
| 15. Stability for You and Your Kids |
| Provide a stable environment for your children. Let’s face it, not only has your world been turned upside down, but also your children’s. Step back and realize your children are looking up to you to lead them down the scary road ahead. One of the most important things you can give them is stability. Try to keep as many routines in your daily life as possible. If you’re moving to a new environment, try to arrange the furniture in their room similar to the room they just left. If they are used to making weekly trips to the park or grandma’s, continue those trips when possible. The less disruption to their lives, the more settled they will be. |
|
